Why Marriages Fail Essay Example

lifelong reciprocal passion of their sexual qualities, which aims at the individuals, biological, emotional, social and spiritual fulfillment and development, which cannot be achieved in isolation. Why Marry The importance of marriage consists in the functions it performs. The main functions of marriage are:

1. Regulation of Sex Life. Marriage is the powerful instrument to regulate the sex life of man. Sexual impulse is powerful in man. It needs to be controlled and regulated in a proper manner to avoid chaos and confusion in society. Marriage has come to be such a regulative means. Hence marriage is often called the license for sex life.
2. Marriage regulates sex relations. Sex relations between close relatives ie:-father daughter ,mother son, brother sister etc are prohibited. This is called incest taboo, and is one of the oldest rules universally. Marriage also puts restriction on pre marital and extra marital sex relations.
3. Marriage leads to Establishment of Family. Sexual satisfaction offered by marriage results in self-perpetuation. Marriage insists on the couple to establish a family of procreation. It is here that the children are born and brought up. It is marriage which determines the descent of the new born individual. Inheritance and succession follow the rule of descent.
4. Provides for Economic Cooperation. Marriage makes division of labour possible on the basis of sex. Partners in marriage can distribute and divide work among themselves to enhance and elevate their economic status.
5. Contributes to Emotional and Interstimulation of Partners. Marriage brings together life partners and helps them to develop love and affection towards each other. It deepens emotional ties and strengthens companionship between the two. It also helps in intellectual cooperation between them.
6. Marriage aims at
   

Social Solidarity. Marriage not only brings two individuals together but also their respective families, groups and kindred’s. Friendship between groups is reinforced through marriage. By encouraging marriage between different groups, castes, classes, religious, linguistic and other communities, it is possible to minimize the social distance between groups and strengthen their solidarity.

Changes Taking Place in the Institution of Marriage and the Causes

The institution of marriage has undergone vast changes in recent years. Traditional values of marriage, the form of marriage, the aim or purpose of marriage, the process of mate selection, the age for marriage , change in stability of marriage, and increase in instances of divorce are the most significant changes that have taken place. These changes have occurred due to many factors of which industrialization, urbanization, globalization, education and legislation are a few of the main ones. I shall not dwell more on these factors. Characterizing Marriages.

Social scientists especially in the west have carried out many researches on characterizing marriage. However, none of the studies can be called truly representative. The sample selection has been highly skewed and cannot be said to represent the “average” married couple, however these studies offer some insight into the broad range of existing marriages. One of these perspective is the Cuber & Haroff perspective. Cuber & Haroff Perspective. Cuber & Haroff(1965) studied 400 normal upper middle class marriages in which partners ranged in age from 35 to 55 and identified 5 types of marriages.

These are: (a)Conflict Habituated (b)Devitalized Marriage (c)Passive Congenial Marriage (d)Vital Marriage (e)Total Marriage Finding that approximately 80 percent of the marriages they studied fell into the first 3 categories, they characterized these as utilitarian marriages

because they appeared to be based on convenience. The researches called the last two types intrinsic marriages because the relationship seemed to be inherently rewarding. In their sample, vital marriages made up 15percent of the population and total marriages accounted for only for 5 percent.

Why Marriages Fail

If you study the statistics of divorce in the world, you will find that Sweden has the most number of divorces 55%, USA has 45% and India only 1. 1%. Failure is a relative term. As seen from the typology given by Cuber and Haroff 80% of marriages are just a matter of convenience, and partners do not want to change the status quo or try and rock the boat and continue enduring the situation. In the process of sifting through material for my study on “why marriages fail” I found numerous reasons and articles, “Top ten reasons, Top six, Top three reasons why marriages fail etc”.

With my 25 years experience of marriage, I chose ten issues which I felt are the most important factors, why marriages fail. Not all marriages fail for the same reason, nor is there only one reason, for the breakdown of a particular marriage. 1. Expectations from Marriage It is quite natural for young men and women to have expectations about what type of spouse he or she wants. If you go through the matrimonial column of the news paper you will understand what I am referring to. I would like to share one of the widely circulated essay written by Judy Brady in 1972 about “why I want a wife”.

It goes like this….. I want a wife who will work and send me

to school…and take care of my children. I want a wife to keep track of the children’s doctor and dentists appointments [and]…mine, too. I want a wife to make sure that my children eat properly and are kept clean…. I want a wife who takes care of children when they are sick, a wife who arranges to be around when the children needs special care because…I cannot miss classes at school…. I want a wife who will take care of my physical needs.

I want a wife who will keep my house clean…pick up after me…keep my clothes clean, ironed, mended, and replaced when need be, and will see to it that my personal things are kept in their proper place so that I can find what I need the minute I need it. I want a wife who cooks the meals, a wife who is a good cook. I want a wife who will plan menus, do the necessary grocery shopping, prepare the meals, serve them pleasantly and then do the cleaning up while I do my studying. I want a wife who will care for me when I am sick and sympathize with my pain…. I want a wife who…. akes love passionately and eagerly when I feel it, a wife who makes sure that I am satisfied. And, of course, I want a wife who will not demand sexual attention when I am not in the mood…. I want a wife who assumes the complete responsibility of birth control, because I do not want more children…. and I want a wife who understands that my sexual needs may entail more than strict adherence

to monogamy…. When I am through with school and have a job, I want my wife to quit working and remain at home so that my wife can more fully and completely take care of wife’s duties.

My God, who wouldn’t want a wife? There are others who are simply naive for example: in my class, while sharing lunch one of the boys commented that he would like to marry, so that he can have good food. In this context I would like to tell you about a friend of mine, who married an excellent cook. She has written numerous recipe books, always on TV hosting cookery shows and presently globe trotting visiting exotic places tasting different cuisine for another TV show and my poor friend is eating, what the maid lays on the table.

Another common perception of young boys and girls especially reinforced during courtship is that boys believe, that girls will change after marriage, and girls believe, that boys will remain the same after they tie the knot. What needs to be understood is that when coming together in marriage, husbands and wives usually develop their own natural, human plan for marital happiness. The couple’s separate plans are based on the unique personalities and personal differences of each partner, including different family influences, role models, books, and often-different life experiences.

Because their plans for marriage happiness are different, conflict usually results. 2. Lack of Communication Lack of communication is the most common and potent reason why marriages fail. The key to enduring relationship is the ability to communicate effectively. Marriages fail not because of conflict. Marital conflict is both common and normal. It is inevitable

in any close relationship. Marriages fail because of communication breakdown or failure to confront communication problems.

John Gottman the American relationship researcher, a psychologist in the University of Washington refers to “the four horses of apocalypse” in his book in his book “The seven principles for making marriage work”. The real demons he stated are

1. Criticism
2. Contempt
3. Defensiveness
4. Stonewalling.

The most common behavior, related to ineffective marital communication are not listening, not responding to the issue at hand, blaming, criticizing, nagging, using scapegoats, using coercion or contempt and using the silent treatment.

Trying to Change Others

Among all the people you love in the world “self love” or love for oneself is probably the greatest. This may be termed as selfish by some. Social scientists describe self love as an important basis for self esteem. It is a necessary prerequisite, for loving others. However trying to change others, to fulfill ones own needs, will lead to frustration and anger, when efforts fail. In life to we need to accept things which we cannot change, if we wish to remain happy. For instance we cannot change our parents, or boss at the workplace. Similarly we cannot change our spouse.

Some may argue that well we have the option of divorce, but that really is not an option, as, if marriage is bad divorce is worse. If change needs to be brought about in your partner it should be brought about with love, respect and understanding, in a manner and as though the partner is making the change of his/her own accord and will. The most common statement usually heard by marriage counselors is….. I will be happy only if my spouse

will behave/not behave in such and such manner” however experience indicates that when one spouse focuses on the others performance, it usually leads to failure of marriage. . Lack of Trust. Lack of trust and understanding, is another reason why marriages fail. I was watching a Malayalam movie the other day in which the mother is advising her daughter, not to trust her husband completely, giving the example of her husband who eloped with someone, just because she trusted him completely. Her daughter followed her advice, and sure enough, the marriage was a disaster. Trust is the base of all relationship. If you think you can sustain a happy relationship without trust, it will just not work. Loyalty is a common source of friction, if relationship expectations are violated.

No matter what the reason be, behind your lack of trust, the couple need to develop a bond, based on trust and belief, if marriage is to succeed.

Gender Issues (a) Men are From Mars and Women are From Venus

Almost 30 years ago sociologist Jessie Bernard (1973) coined the phrase “ His and her marriage” to show that many men and women, experience marriage differently. Much recent research supports Bernards observation that there are many gender differences in married life. There is a difference in how male and female communicate, express love etc. As per researchers, for women talk is often an end in itself.

It is a way to foster closeness and understanding. They encourage a speaker to continue by showing interest or concern. They often ask questions, that probe for greater understanding of feelings whereas men always focuses on problem solving , getting information, discovering facts and

suggesting courses of action and solutions. They tend to be more forceful, direct and authoritative in their language. Another research by Nowinski (1993) speculate that men do not communicate in intimate relationships, because they are accustomed to being stress absorbers and stoics.

Although the non communicative male is missing an opportunity for intimacy and connectedness he is protecting his loved ones from the disappointments, frustrations and fears that are part and parcel of his daily work life. There is also a perception that men are less loving than women because they equate love with sex, and not talk about their feelings. Several social scientists disagree with this view. According to Francesa Cancian the fault lies not in men, but our definition of loving which ignore masculine style of showing affection.

We identify love with emotional expression and talking about feelings, aspects of love that women prefer and in which women tend to be more skilled than men. We often ignore the instrumental and physical aspects of love that men prefer such as providing help, sharing activities, supporting families, putting wishing of family members ahead of his own, acting in a moral and considerate way during conflict, in short doing what needs to be done in the best interest of the couple and the family. These gender differences are often not understood by the couple which leads to failed marriages. b) Work Role and Family Role As per research (Steil 1997) wives role have expanded significantly since 1970’s while husbands role have remained the same.

Men’s lower participation in household tasks are because of long accepted cultural views of men’s and women’s proper roles. The women, especially the working

women, finds themselves over burdened. Marriages tend to fail when women, particularly mothers feel that they have disproportionate share of domestic responsibilities and child care, have little decision making power, and do most of the “ emotional work” to maintain intimacy. . Role of Inlaws Marriage is not just a union of the two partners but also of the families. The role of the parents of the bride and groom play a key part in the success and failure of marriages. Today in the age of mobile phones, you find continuous dialogue between mother and daughter even after her marriage. Interference of in laws of the husband and wife do cause problems and conflicts. While staying under the same roof, these conflicts have the potential to create irreparable damage amongst the married couple.

Such conflicts also arise, due to differing perception, values and beliefs existing due to generation gap of the in laws and the married couple. 7. Sex and Infidelity It is seen that not much attention is paid to marital sex. There are more researches carried out about premarital and extra marital sex. Lack of sex and passion in a marriage often is a warning sign for impending failure. Marriages are based on the strong foundations of a healthy physical intimacy. Boredom and lack of sexual attraction towards the partner leads to extra marital affairs and infidelity.

Money

Money is another common source of conflict. Arguments over money generally focuses on- how or how not- to spend it. Conflict over how money is spent may become particularly intense if a working wife has no input and feels that her husband’s decisions are unfair. Decisions on major

purchases typically erupt because of different and sometimes opposing value systems.

Children

Children may strengthen a marriage, but they are also a common source of conflict. In addition to the demands children make on parents, spouses invariably have different philosophies on how to bring up a child.

Opinions on issues such as discipline, the importance of teaching self control, and the kinds of responsibilities a child should be given etc are a source of conflict 10. Not Fighting Fair As stated earlier, being two different individuals with different thoughts, opinions, views, ideas, likes and dislikes, conflict is bound to happen in every marriage or any close relationship. Marriages fail not because of the conflict but how we fight. Each one is entitled to his or her legitimate feelings but when disagreement occurs we must keep the argument real and relevant.

Anger, criticism, sarcasm, nagging, nit picking and focusing on the person than the problem will in no way help in keeping marriage intact.

How to Make Marriages Work

It is quite obvious that if you try and address the problems listed above you should be able to make marriages work. I recently read an article in the Hindu of Sunday August 7, 2011 wherein the author Vijay Nagaswami gives out a formula of happy marriage I=C3. He says Commitment, Connectedness and Companionship results in Intimacy. I tend to agree with his views.

The main ingredients for a successful marriage are: (a)Each spouse must have a positive attitude towards the partner and be a good friend. (b)Both partners must see marriage as a long term commitment. Divorce is not an option. If marriages are bad, divorce is worse. (c)Effective communication is the basis

for fulfilling relationship. Within the process of communication, is the key, to effective problem solving. (d)Conflict resolution is extremely important in marriage. Couple should be able to navigate road blocks, without creating an emotional grid lock.

A positive approach to conflict involves establish ownership of problem, empathetic listening, negotiation of solutions and identifying and expressing feelings. (e)Partners need to realize that emotional support is more important than romantic love. (f)Emotional bonding occurs only when you understand your partner’s dreams, aspirations and fears. Conclusion It is often quoted that, marriages are made in heaven, but the details have to be worked out, here on earth. This is a process which goes on throughout married life. I like to quote one social researcher Pittman who said:- “Marriage is not supposed to make you happy.

It is supposed to make you married, and once you are safely and totally married, then you have a structure of security and support, from which you are free to make yourself happy, rather than waste your adulthood looking for that structure”. Marriages can be an enriching experience if there is genuine love among the partners. There are three basic elements for a love relationship. They are:- (a)Willingness to please and accommodate the other, even if this involves compromise and sacrifice. (b) Acceptance of the other person’s faults and shortcomings. c) Having as much concern about the loved ones, as one’s own. The main ingredients are respect and caring as without these, love can be termed as possessive dependency. There are no shortcuts and magic formulas to ensure marriages become an enriching experience. Like all other relationships we need to nurture, care and build this

bond. The virtues of tolerance, patience, understanding and an extremely positive attitude, will go a long way in ensuring marital happiness.

References

1. John Gottman, Why Marriages Succeed or Fail and How you can make yours last,Simon&Schuster,1994
2. John Gottman,The Seven Principles for making Marriage Work, Crown Publishers Imprint,1999
3. Nijole V Benokraitis, Marriage and Families-Changes, Choices and Constraints, Fourth edition, Pearson Education Inc, New Jersey, 2002
4. Shankar Rao, Introduction to Sociology, S Chand & Co, New Delhi, 2010
5. Kapadia KM, Marriage and Family in India
6. “Marriage Formula” by Vijay Nagaswami in The HINDU dated 07 August 2011
7. hhtp://www. prenhall. com/benokratis
8.  hhtp://www. survive a break up. com