Homelessness Satire

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HOMELESSNESS It is a melancholy hearing about the issue of homelessness worldwide. There are countless homeless people on the streets of these large cities. So we ask ourselves; why are people still without homes when new jobs are being created everyday or when unemployment still has not reached zero? This seems to be an ever haunting problem even though it would be so easy to erase it. I think we have reached our limits of dealing with thousands of homeless people blocking doorsteps and sidewalks disturbing us with their begging hands.

While most claim to use the money we provide them to buy food or shelter, most will use it feed their addictions. Do you want your money being spent on cigarettes and alcohol? Why should we have to give them our spare change when we have new clothes to buy, vacations to take or gas tanks to fill? Research shows that in the United States 43% of homeless people are single males and 33% of homeless people are families with children. While the majority of the homeless are 45 years old.

As well, 1 in 4 homeless are veterans; that’s 26% of all homeless people. In addition, it is proven that an estimated 100 million people are homeless worldwide. That’s equal to the population of Mexico alone. That’s one quarter of the population trying to strip us of our money. That’s one quarter of our population polluting our streets and taking up space. In Canada alone there are up to 300 000 people begging us for spare change. While in our very own Hamilton, there are up to 2000 individuals sleeping on our park benches and in our alleyways.

To end this world-wide crisis, I have created a solution that will not only put an end to the misery of these individuals but will also help scientists advance in their research and benefit our population as a whole. As it is cruel and absolutely wrong to experiment on animals, why not test on these savages who are useless to our nation? They have done nothing for us and would only be useful through scientific research. So why not sell the homeless to organizations that would be greatly benefited. Like private institutions, cosmetic companies, government agencies, or scientific centers.

Think of all the advancements in technology we could arrive at through using these people for research. We’ll be one step closer to a cure for cancer. We’ll be one step closer to beauty products helping us look 10 years younger. Using the homeless experimentally will not only benefit themselves but us as well. First, this will get everyone off the streets and allow them to become a part of something that is profitable and rewarding. There will no longer be an issue of homeless people. Second, think of all the improvements in medicine and surgery we could accomplish.

Or the advancements in technology we could reach. Think of the loved ones we could save through finding cures. Third, think of all the millions and billions of dollars we could save and use towards something productive instead of throwing it away to charities or food banks. We need to stop thinking of others and think of ourselves. We need to put ourselves first and do what is best for us. Now, don’t talk to me about affordable housing or inclusive mental health services. Don’t talk to me about tax-funded services such as shelters, food banks or health centers.

Don’t talk to me about volunteering to help build schools or homes. Don’t talk to me about volunteering at local soup kitchens. Don’t talk to me about building more transitional houses or distributing food stamps. Don’t talk to me about giving them an actual chance in the real world. Don’t even talk to me about helping them to become somebody. This will only waste our time and our money, something we can’t afford to lose much more of. You may argue that this is inhumane to treat another human like this but when it comes down to it, homeless individuals are less than human.

They don’t pay taxes and they don’t work. They lay on our sidewalks and alleys all day begging us for anything they can get their hands on. Why should anyone show compassion to someone who has nothing and is nothing? Why would anyone want to donate to a foundation that could supposedly ‘help’ them? When all they need is to be put out of their misery. I profess, in the sincerity of my heart, that I have not the least personal interest in promoting this behaviour, having no other motive than to advance our technology and further our research, ease the poor and ultimately make our world a better place.

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