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Metaphor of conflict

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like a dance

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Conflict

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An expressed struggle between at least two interdependent parties who perceive incompatible goals, scarce resources, and interfere from the other party in acheiving their goals.

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When can a conflict only exist?

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Only when both parities are aware of a disagreement.

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Perceived Incompatible Goals

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Often times both of the party only see it only as a win lose situation. They fail to see mutually satisfying solutions to their problems. As long as they percieve their goals to be mutually exclusive, a conflict exists.

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Perceived Scarce Resources

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A conflict exists when people believe there isn't enough to go around. -Could be the time you spend running together.

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Interdependence

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Though it seems the parties are antagonists they actually depend on each other or else they would just go their seperate ways. (enjoy eachother and run better together than apart)

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Interference from the other party

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No matter how much a person's position differs from anothers, a conflict won't occur until the participants act in ways that prevent one another from reaching their goals. ex.) You dont believe in drunk driving but its not a conflict until you dont let your friend get behind the wheel.

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Is conflict natural?

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Yes, even in the most compatible relationships.

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Conflict can be beneficial

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Because they always arise, its how you handle them that matters.

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Unhappy couples

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argue in destructive ways, more concerned with defending themselves than problem orienting. They fail to listen to each other and have little empathy. They use you language and ignore each other.

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Avoiding

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Occurs when people nonassertively ignore or stay away from the conflict. Can be physical or conversational. Results in lose lose. -For Paul and Lucia this means they stop running together and possibly lose their friendship. -Keeps peace temporarily but leads to unsatisfying relationships. -In some ways its good to ignore little petty arguments or small flaws

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Accommodating

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Occurs when you allow others to have their way rather than asserting your own point of view. -Lose-win -Paul could accomodate Lucia by letting her friends run with them. -The motivation of this style depends on its effectiveness -Low concern for self and high concern for others

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PAUSE: Culture

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High Context cultures like avoiding and accomdating styles Low context sees these styles as less positive.

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Competing

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-win-lose approach -High concern for self and low concern for others -Try to force eachother to give in and usually do this when the see the situation as either or. ex.) Basketball or two co workers competing for the same job, government -Usually one of the parties has powers

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Direct Agression

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Occurs when a communicator expresses a criticism or demand that threatens the face of the person at whom it is directed. -Can severely affect the target by embaressing them

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Passive Aggression

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When a communicator expresses hostility in an obscure or manipulative way. -"Crazymaking" -People have negative feelings that they are unable to or unwillingly able to express directly. ex.) Paul runs with Lucia and her friends but speeds ahead

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Compromising

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Gives both people at leas some of what they want, although both sacrifice some of their goals. ex.) Sometime Lucia and Paul will run with her friends, other times they will run alone. -Partial lose lose

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Collaborating

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-Win win -Show a high degree of concern for both themselves and others. ex.) Martia hates rescheduling her worker so their compromise is that the employees will swap with other employee shifts and then let her know when they do.

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Which style to use?

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Depends on... 1.) The relationship (could be your boss where accomodating is needed in order to keep your job) 2.) The situation 3.) The other person (The other person could be really competitive) 4.) Your Goals

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Conflict in Relational Systems

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-Depends on how both parties interact, not just the individual

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Relational conflict style

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a pattern of managing disagreements

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3 Conflict Styles

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Complementary conflict, Symmetrical Style, Parrallel conflict style

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Complementary Conflict

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Use different but mutually reinforcing behaviors -Fight-flight pattern is most seen in unhappy marriages

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Symmetrical Conflict Style

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Both partners use the same behaviors -Not good if both parties withdraw

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Parallel Conflict Style

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Shift between complementary and symmetrical behaviors for each issue.

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Destructive Conflict Patterns: The Four Horsemen

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So destructive they are bound to cause conflict Criticism, Defensiveness, Contempt, Stonewalling

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Criticism

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Attack persons character. Difference between you and I statements. "You are so thoughtless".

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Defensiveness

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Problems arise when the person refuses to lsiten to anothers concerns

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Contempt

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Belittles and demeans. It could be name calling (your such a jerk or oh that was brilliant or eye rolling). Def: Dissaproval tinged with disgust. Below you. Treating them like they are dumb.

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Stonewalling

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Someone withdraws from the interaction shutting down the dialogue.

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Conflict rituals

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patterns of interlocking behaviors. -Can sometimes be good but can be bad when its the only way that partners handle conflict.

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Gender

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Males: More Direct and ordering Females: Indirect and make proposals and maintain the relationship

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Culture

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Low Context is very direct: Goals rights and needs of each person are seen as important. High Context is more indirect: more concerned with the group

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Why dont people use the win win approach?

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1.) Lack of awareness 2.) Emotional affairs that allow little time for person to stop and think of better alternatives 3.) Requires the other persons cooperation

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Collaborative Problem Solving

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1. Identify your problem and Unmet needs -realize the problem is yours and you need to figure out why you are upset. 2. Make a Date - Fights can start because the othr person was jumped 3. Describe your problem and needs -Its up to you to describe your problem, the other person wont be able to figure it out. 4. Consider your partners point of view -Develope as many possible solutions as you can and then negotiate them 5. Follow up the solution and make sure its working

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