Cultural Influence on Intimacy Essay Example

relationship. All in all, intimacy is truly knowing and caring about those who we are intimate with.

How does this definition relate to some of the definitions and concepts discussed in the readings and class?

According to Gillette (1990), “the concept of intimacy, like love or laughter, has a slippery and amorphous quality to it” (p.220). Intimacy is a word that causes various ideas to come to mind. Its definition varies from person to person and their experiences. The fact that there is no concrete definition of the word intimacy makes it ambiguous. My definition of intimacy relates to some of the elements of intimacy discussed in the readings. Gillette (1990) states, “if we conceive of an individual as having multiple layers of self, each one inside another, an intimate relationship would involve the innermost layers (p.221). Intimacy requires aspects of the self that are hidden from others. This idea of the hidden self-relates to the Johari window. The hidden, window 3, is a private area that we are aware of and others are not aware of. It depends on us whether or not we choose to share more of ourselves through disclosure (Luft, 1969, p.52).

Disclosure varies with our degree of openness and there are certain factors to consider for appropriate disclosure to occur. Luft (1969) states, “disclosure by one party tends to evoke equivalent kinds of disclosure by the other” (53). Reciprocity was one of the factors that contributed to my definition of intimacy. If one person shares something about themselves that is not generally shared, the other person may feel comfortable enough to do the same. Disclosure is a sign of trust and security which

are essential elements of intimacy. Another element of intimacy that Gillette discusses is commitment. He states, “the willingness to stay in a relationship through tough times generates a form of deep trust that feeds intimacy” (Gillette, 1990, p. 221). People who are apart of intimate relationships rely on one another for support. It is important to know that the person you are intimate with is committed because it develops a sense of security that allows you to be more open to expressing yourself. All the ideas presented in the readings and my personal definition contribute to the word intimacy as a whole.

How has your upbringing, life experiences, and cultural background shaped your definition of intimacy?

Living in a censorious culture has influenced the levels of intimacy I have experienced within my household. I found it difficult to be intimate with family members who lacked an objective lens. I trusted both my parents and my siblings, but it was a challenge to be my true self because of cultural expectations. Montenegro, a small country located in southeastern Europe, is very traditional and focused on male dominance. Women are expected to be married at a certain age and are not supposed to be vocal about their feelings. Women are expected to do all the household chores which caused tension between my brothers and I. My upbringing consisted of strict rules I had to follow. Growing up I listened to my parents and did not express my feelings about certain situations that I knew I disagreed with. My main goal was to avoid parental disappointment. I did not blame my parents for being the way that they were because

I was aware of the fact that it was all that they knew. My grandfather was strict which was passed down to my father who passed it down to me. It is a cycle I always wanted to break, one that I hope I do, someday.

When I was twenty-one years old I was in a relationship with a boy who was also from Montenegro. He was very controlling and self-centered. His upbringing taught him to wear the pants in the relationship. I was never asked about what I felt and to me, this seemed normal because I was exposed to this kind of behavior my whole life. I knew that the man always made the decisions and that the woman should just listen. I was carrying my cultural expectations with me everywhere I went. He never fully expressed himself because men were not supposed to be emotional, it was a sign of weakness. I constantly bottled up my feelings and lived in a state of anxiety. It took me a couple of months to realize that this was not the perfect fit for me. I craved intimacy. My definition was based on everything my partner was not and everything I promised myself I would pay attention to in future relationships.

My current relationship of three years gave me the opportunity to experience true intimacy. For once I feel free to show all parts of myself, not only the parts that are expected of me. With time, a state of comfort developed and now I feel safe and secure. We constantly let each other know how we really feel and together we try to overcome whatever it

is that may be bothering one of us. Even though he too is from Montenegro, he allows me to contribute to decision making so that satisfaction is reached on both ends. It is through this relationship that I realized how fulfilling intimacy is. It feels good to constantly visit this space where I can be myself without the fear of being judged or rejected.

What personal challenges do you face in groups and as a future leader around issues of intimacy?

One personal challenge that I always face in groups is reaching a state of comfort. I always feel as if people will judge me. I am introverted so it takes time for me to actually open up. I find myself constantly testing waters around me because of the fear of rejection. I was never allowed to express myself growing up so I do not find the need to express myself in groups that I am a part of. During the experiential component of the course, I am quiet most of the time. I try to contribute to the group only to show that I am actively listening. There are certain instances where I find myself wondering if I should say something and what kind of responses it may trigger. I feel as if I cannot be intimate in large groups because of the type of person that I am. I am always thinking about how others perceive me and I rather remain quiet to avoid false perceptions. I feel dependent on others to lead those who are more open and vocal. According to Luft (1969), “as a sense of safety increases, people take more risks- that

is, they tend to be themselves more and to drop some of the learned guises and facades” (p.53). I believe that because this concept of a group is new to me it will take time for me adjust to the challenge’s groups bring. In the beginning, I experienced feelings of anxiety and now after six sessions, those feelings are no longer present. In class, we discussed that leaders can emerge as time goes by because of different circumstances and it makes me wonder if the leadership role will emerge for me.

Many readings describe the ambivalence towards group work as reflecting the “developmental struggle from fusion to individuation” (McCollom, 1991, p.141) that we all experience early in our lives in relation to our primary caregiver. What implications does this struggle have in the development of intimacy in groups?

According to Bowlby (1973, 1980), “attachment theory focuses on how infants early attachments to primary caregivers determine enduring ways in which they continue to attach themselves to significant others” (as cited in Kahn & Kram, 1994, p.156). I believe that because of my cultural background, my upbringing consisted of me wanting to please my parents. In this case, I developed an anxious-resistant pattern of attachment. My parents were there for me when it came to support but our relationship was more built on rules to follow. My father never showed emotions because they were a sign of weakness. Love was not expressed freely and emotions were not valued as much as they should have been. I was well aware of the role I played as a daughter and what was culturally expected from me.

The internal model of authority that

corresponds to this attachment theory is the dependent model (Kahn & Kram, 1994, p.160). According to Kahn and Kram (1994), “these people seek dependency on those in formal authority” (p.160). My culture influenced the way I perceived my father. I felt that I could not go against him because he was in charge and it was my duty to respect him. One characteristic I can resonate with is “people with dependent models of authority suppress themselves within such role-based interactions” (Kahn & Kram, 1994, p.160). In one of my relationships, I had the tendency to disregard my own feelings because I was taught that men were in charge and that they were the ones who made the decisions. Women are expected to only listen and I have discovered that I have a valence for this listening role. In order to be intimate, an individual needs to feel safe and comfortable and I think authority in groups may challenge this comfort for me. I find myself listening to those in my group who I consider having this leadership role and depend on them to make the decisions that benefit our group as a whole. It is difficult to be intimate if you struggle with disclosure.

How may group dynamics and culture impact disclosure and receptivity among members?

Group dynamics such as discrimination, stereotypes, projection, splitting, etc. focus on the negative aspects of group members that may impact the disclosure among those members. Wells (1990) described splitting as “the process of dividing the world- individuals and subgroups- into all good and all bad” (as cited in Cheng et al., 1998, p.134). Splitting is an unconscious defense mechanism that is

used to avoid anxiety. Individuals in groups may split off parts of themselves they are unhappy with and project it onto someone else. According to Clark (1997), “the individuals or groups that receive these projections are subtly compelled to behave in a way that serves to fulfill these expectations, much like self-fulfilling prophecies” (as cited in Cheng et al., 1998, p.134).

This process of altering their behavior to match the projected aspects is known as projective identification. Those individuals then have a valence for such negative emotions (Cheng et al., 1998, p.135). The individual is pressured to behave the way the group wants them to which impacts how they react to certain situations in the group. They are only acting that way because that is what was projected onto them. Discrimination and stereotypes can impact disclosure among members as well. Discrimination and stereotypes do not allow individuals to be accepting of their group members, they lack an objective lens. If group members feel discriminated against they may feel as if they should not disclose any information about themselves to the group. If an individual’s culture taught them to suppress their feelings, they may not want to disclose information because they think it is not acceptable.

How may your cultural background impact how your leadership is perceived and how intimacy develops in the groups you lead?

I am an introverted person and I believe that because I am quiet people will automatically assume that I purposely do not want to contribute to the group. In my culture, it was forbidden for a woman to express her feelings or even be a leader in general. I may show characteristics of

dependency because I depended on my parents to make all sorts of decisions. I believe that my culture embedded a lack of confidence in me and people may perceive me as someone who is not capable of being a leader. Intimacy may be challenging to develop in groups that I lead because intimacy for me on a personal level is difficult. I find it difficult to be intimate with people who are not familiar with my background. If I ever feel judged I automatically withdraw and keep my thoughts and feelings to myself. All in all, I am learning more about myself than I ever did before through the experimental component of the course.

Intimacy varies from person to person based on their upbringing, life experiences, and cultural background. Only when we consider all aspects of a person’s life will we be able to fully understand them. Personal challenges arise in groups we are a part of and avoiding group dynamics such as discrimination and stereotypes can increase the levels of intimacy in the group. It is important for members to be as objective as they can for the group to succeed.