It was a bitter winter’s night and George was sitting in his big white house. George’s lapdog, Tony, was lying at his owner’s feet. His big pointy ears were jiggling and his huge forehead was creasing up as he breathed in and out. George was watching television. Although he was not really mentally capable of understanding some of the intellectual humour he was watching, he happily sat there giggling away at the Tweenies with Tony. George and Tony deserved to relax after the hard day they had had at school.
George was head boy at his school, the United School of Akronica, and he was having a spot of trouble with one of the other boys. Sammy Whosayne was bullying other children in his class and George thought that he should do something about it. George also believed that Sammy had some stink-bombs of mass poignancy but he could not prove anything. Although George was head boy, it did not mean he could do what he wanted; he had to speak to one of the teachers first.
The teacher that he had to speak to on this occasion was called Mrs. U. Benn. She was in charge of the committee against bullying, Necessitarians Against The Oppressors. Usually, U. Benn and NATO sorted out problems between different groups within the school but this time she said no because George could not prove that Sammy had stink-bombs of mass poignancy. George was furious; he couldn’t believe that they had said no to him. He soon got over it though when he saw something shiny on the floor. George realised that if he want to do anything about Sammy Whosayne, he was going to have to do it himself.
He realised that he could not do it by himself. He asked help from his friend Pierre Le-Grenouille. Unfortunately for George, Pierre was a bit of a wimp and said that he did not want to go to fight anyone. What a coward. Anyway, although slightly disheartened, George continued to plan his fight against Sammy… after he’d finished his warm milk and colouring in. George had gathered up his friends and they looked quite impressive, his dog Tony and he made quite a team. The two of them burst into Sammy Whosayne’s classroom. They were much more heavily armed than him.
George was equipped with the latest advances in paper aeroplanes. The planes flew into the class room taking out everything in their path (providing it was also made out of paper). This was lucky because Sammy had built his defences entirely out of paper. George attack completely wiped out the bully’s ‘fortresses’. He fled with his friends for fear of getting a paper cut. George was so happy that he couldn’t stop himself from giggling like a little girl. After George’s crushing victory, he embarked on a search of the classroom for the stink-bombs of mass poignancy.
He started this colossal task by checking in Whosayne’s locker. Obviously not realising that the locker was open, George set about trying to push the door open. He pushed as hard as he could for a good forty-nine minutes. Eventually Tony the dog, who had watched the whole pathetic affair, decided he couldn’t take it anymore and decided to show George that the door was unlocked and all he had to do was pull it. Tired out after pushing a solid piece of metal for forty-nine minutes, George languidly routed through the deviant’s locker for any signs of the stink bombs of mass-poignancy.
The locker was covered in dust, much like a certain middle-eastern country whose name escapes me. He searched every nook and cranny of the cupboard. He went bravely into the cracks and caverns without knowing what he would find. After what seemed like months of searching (it was actually about twenty minutes), George was fruitless. As NATO had guessed, Sammy did not have any stink bombs of mass poignancy. George did not even catch Sammy. He was very embarrassed. He was also quite worried as there was an election coming up for head boy.
He realised that he had to find Sammy and then possibly his reputation would be saved although, if we’re being perfectly honest, his reputation wasn’t really one worth saving. He searched the playground for the rest of break and just as things were looking bad, he saw someone hidden in the climbing frame that looked very much like the fugitive bully. He went up to him but he realised that he’d gotten the wrong person because the person he’d found had a beard. He apologised and walked off. As he was walking off, Tony kicked him which provoked thought.
He thought that a boy having a beard was rather unusual at a school. He went back and the boy looked a little worried at the sight of a jolly giggling little man rushing towards him. George went up to him with a stern look of concentration on his face. He opened his mouth and, to the horror of Tony, he asked the bearded boy what life was like in the sixth form. As we all will have guessed by now, the bearded boy was actually Sammy Whosayne in what was frankly a pretty pathetic disguise (although it did fool George).
Sammy opened his mouth and that’s when George finally realised who it was. He grabbed him and took him out to show the rest of the play ground. ‘I’ve caught him’ he shouted. Not realising that nobody cared and that they weren’t listening he carried on his speech. ‘I have capturidafied this hooligan and hopefully he will not continue to tormentify us any more. Thank me very much for giving me your attention’. It was a good job that no one was listening because he would have made a complete ass out of himself.
Not only had his speech included words that didn’t exist but where he believed he was holding a master criminal, he was actually clutching a piece of tarpaulin with some loose bits of hair stuck to it. By this point Tony the dog had given up trying to help him. This is the end of my tale about a stupid man with power and his pet. As of yet, we do not know if George will be elected as head of the United School of Akronica but let’s hope, for all our sakes, that someone with more common sense gets the job.