Elaine Risley Essay Example

was the youngest. Her brother was her constant companion, creating a generally happy childhood for Elaine. However, everything changed when she moved to Toronto at 8 years old and met Cordellia. Elaine vividly remembers how her life drastically changed after moving to Toronto. As she recalls, "I was happy before we moved to Toronto" (Atwood, 22).

Cordellia, the youngest in the family, sought solace in exerting her dominance over the other girls. Elaine later realizes that this was due to the dearth of power and affection she received at home. Elaine, on the other hand, had a propensity to trust others easily and was oblivious when someone intended to harm her. Her trusting nature led her to believe that Cordellia was a genuine friend. The absence of self-assurance and strong reliance Elaine had in others is evident when she states, "I am not normal, I am not like the other girls. Cordellia tells me so, but she will help me."

According to Atwood (134), Grace and Carol will also help me, but it will take a lot of effort and time. In this passage, Elaine talks about how Cordellia sees her. Instead of acknowledging her own value, Elaine's self-confidence declines even more, causing her to depend on her friends for support in bettering herself. Due to Cordellia's suggestions, Elaine starts changing her looks to fit Cordellia's standards and separates herself from her brother because Cordellia thinks girls should stay away from boys.

Elaine faces self-belittlement and hesitates to share her knowledge with others. Instead, she chooses to agree with Cordellia's myths to maintain their friendship. In an attempt to cope with the misery inflicted by Cordellia's bullying, Elaine

resorts to self-inflicted physical pain, aiming to detach herself from the emotional turmoil and confusion she experiences. During this dark process, she contemplates the words Cordellia has spoken, suggesting that she is trying to persuade herself despite knowing the falsehood behind it.

Elaine expresses her concerns about losing Cordellia as a friend by saying, "I lie with my knees up... I'm peeling the skin off of my feet... I worry about what I've said today... How I walk what I wear, all of these things need improvement... Cordellia tells me so, but she will help me." Elaine is relinquishing her independence and now waits for instructions from Cordellia. Elaine does not take any action without Cordellia's permission. Over time, Elaine becomes more susceptible to Cordellia's mistreatment. Eventually, Elaine discovers a game called marbles.

Elaine finds solace in playing marbles, a simple game that transcends gender. Amongst all the marbles, one in particular catches Elaine's affection - a blue cat's eye. This particular marble serves as a connection to a reality that seems unattainable. It becomes a symbol, much like a promise ring, representing Elaine's commitment to preserving her true self amidst the overwhelming demands of society. As time goes by, life proceeds in this manner, and Elaine allows herself to become a passive participant.

Her childhood is filled with self-deception, but Elaine's outlook on life undergoes a significant transformation when she reaches her breaking point and confronts the complexities of growing up. The turning point in Elaine's life occurs during a stroll by the creek. One day, Cordellia mistakenly believes that Elaine is mocking her and decides to punish her. They walk home via a route that crosses

a bridge over a ravine rumored to harbor dangerous men. In an act of retribution, Cordellia snatches Elaine's hat and tosses it into the ravine, indicating that retrieving it will result in forgiveness (Atwood 251).

Elaine accepts the Virgin Mary as her savior and distances herself from the significant moment with Cordellia. Instead, she develops a new friendship with Jill and goes to great lengths to avoid Cordellia, who becomes bothersome. After this incident, Elaine gains the strength to walk away and realizes that there was never anything wrong with her. Cordiellia protests behind me, saying "Don't you dare walk away on us! Come back immediately! I understand that this is just an imitation, a performance of being someone much older. It's all just a game. There was never any need for me to improve myself. It has always been a game, and I have been deceived. My anger is directed at myself as much as them" (Atwood 259). Elaine recognizes the foolishness in following Cordellia's lead and catering to her desires. Finally, she reaches a point where she can transform her identity and assert herself on her own path.

Similar to Elaine, my childhood has had a profound impact on my sense of self.

Being the oldest of my three siblings and one of the first in my extended family, I was deeply loved and well taken care of. Despite the arrival of my sister, our familial connections remained strong, and I developed a reputation as an amiable young girl. Throughout my early years, I had a close-knit group of friends that included a cousin. However, there was one specific friend whom I had known since birth

and who possessed a commanding presence.

During my childhood, my friend frequently visited my house and partook in various activities, including coloring on my dolls. However, she occasionally took them without permission and dictated the games we played, exerting control over our group of friends.

As time passed, both of us became older siblings when our younger siblings were born. Unfortunately, she often made me feel ashamed for having a sister while she had a brother.

Eventually, my friend relocated and I grew closer to my cousin. We spent countless hours playing together in my backyard. However, everything changed when her parents went through a divorce. Observing how my cousin coped with her alcoholic father and her mother's exhaustion from managing it all deeply impacted me emotionally.

This experience taught me that I could never marry someone who excessively drinks alcohol.

When my cousin and her mother left, they no longer remained part of my family, resulting in the loss of one of my closest friends. During that time, I went to India with my grandparents and stayed there for a year. Spending such a long time with them at a young age allowed me to form a maternal bond with my grandmother. It was difficult to see my mother in the same way when I came back. Also, when I got home, I met an unfamiliar neighbor - a boy who was one year older than me. Since there were no other playmates around, we became best friends and our friendship was unbreakable. This led me to adopt certain masculine qualities influenced by him.

I played with cars instead of dolls, wanted guns instead of bears, and aspired to

be Spiderman rather than dressing up like a princess. These childhood memories continue to influence me, and I frequently reflect on them. As Elaine progresses to high school, her transformation becomes evident, and the impact of her upbringing becomes evident. Memories from her past remain deeply buried and are rarely recalled. The individuals in her life describe the moments from her childhood in various ways.

In high school, Elaine strives to move beyond her troubled childhood and start anew. However, her recollection of her early years raises doubts about what truly took place at the creek. Elaine's efforts to suppress her past can be understood through her confusion when her mother occasionally mentions "that bad time" she had. These references, tinged with threat and insult, puzzle Elaine because she sees herself as someone who only experiences good times, not bad ones. (Atwood 273) Without clear memories of her past, Elaine has reshaped her recollections to portray a pleasant childhood, purposefully avoiding any unpleasant recollections. As power dynamics shift and anger consumes her, Elaine unleashes her pent-up frustrations on Cordellia through verbal abuse. In this role reversal, Elaine has become the bully using her anger as a means of retaliation. This newfound power allows her to recognize its value and the emotions it elicits.

Elaine becomes the person she hated and envied the most in her childhood, Cordellia. Similar to Cordellia, Elaine enjoys her power. She expresses this when she says, "strangely enough my mean behaviour does not result in fewer friends, but on the surface more. The girls are afraid of me, but they know where it is safest, beside me. Half a step behind me".

This brings to mind a previous moment in the book where Elaine walked a step behind Cordellia, who possessed power and had others fearing her.

Elaine recognizes her increased mental strength compared to Cordellia and acknowledges that the dependence she had on Cordellia in the past has now reversed, with Cordellia needing Elaine. This realization is evident when Elaine states, "Cordellia wants to point out Lump-lump Family cars, but I'm tired of this. I have denser, more malevolent little triumph to finger: energy has passed between us, and I am stronger" (Atwood 313). Additionally, due to her difficult childhood, Elaine struggles to trust girls, including Cordellia.

Despite being aware of everything happening around her, Elaine still perceives it as an act. She expresses this sentiment when she states, "she knows the rituals, she knows how we're suppose to be behaving, now that we're in high school. But I think these things are impenetrable and fraudulent, and I can't do them without feeling I'm acting" (Atwood 234). Elaine struggles to fit in because she has matured quicker than her peers, while Cordelia seamlessly blends in. Due to her past interactions with girls during her childhood, Elaine finds it easier to bond with boys rather than girls, resulting in stronger relationships.

Elaine is adept at maintaining relationships with her boyfriends, while Cordellia often alienates boys and makes them uncomfortable. The changes Elaine has made to her identity during high school may provide hints about her upbringing. Elaine has embraced independence, carefully chooses who to trust, comprehends the dynamics of the world around her, and forges ahead without being hurt by those she considers supporters.

In everything she does, glimpses of her

childhood can be seen, allowing us to decipher her identity. Similarly, as I grew into a teenager, echoes of my childhood, like Elaine, could be heard. Despite people telling my mom that I dressed like a boy, I was not bothered because it was what I felt comfortable in. At school, while the other girls were skipping rope or worrying about boys having cooties, I could always be found on the field digging a hole in the sand or playing tackle football, tag, or grounders.

Life carried on in a similar fashion for some time, but when grade 6 neared, everything shifted. As individuals grew older, they began to form groups based on race, intelligence, and athletic prowess. While everyone was finding their niche, I struggled to find my place. No one desired my friendship, resulting in me spending the majority of my time inside the school. Whenever I ventured out, I would encounter trouble and be directed to the contact room. I even initiated conflicts that did not involve me; however, still no friendships were formed. However, an unfamiliar girl enrolled at our school.

Despite our differing personalities, the new girl and I shared a common sense of fashion. This similarity brought us together as close friends, but it also led to a reputation for being bullies. While people would engage with us, no one truly desired to spend much time in our company. However, we received an invitation to join the boys in playing football. As our friendship deepened and our social circle expanded, I began to feel unsettled by the continued mistreatment behind my back. Then, everything changed when my school underwent another transformation

and merged with another nearby school. Unexpectedly, I was reunited with my childhood friend at this new school.

My previous acquaintance was a well-liked individual who was desired by everyone, yet she opted to be friends with me. I perceived this as an opportunity to revamp myself. With my former friend as my companion, I commenced altering my demeanor. However, I took it to the extreme. Previously, I used to wear attire that concealed my physique and never truly focused on my weight. Nevertheless, with my fresh image, I felt compelled to become slimmer; thus, I began excessively exercising and shed a considerable amount of weight. Upon entering high school, I initiated exploration of novel experiences which regrettably led me towards involvement in detrimental activities.

Persisting on this path without interruption led to a decline in my academic performance in the final days of grade 12. Although I was well-liked by my friends, I had a negative self-perception due to concerns about not having a clear life direction, the repercussions of my actions, and low self-esteem. These self-esteem issues were further exacerbated by my mother's accurate belief that I was gaining weight. However, rather than resorting to excessive exercise and starvation as before, I began overeating and experienced substantial weight gain.

Despite my graduation from grade 12 with the rest of my classmates, my grades were insufficient to secure admission to a post-secondary institution. Unaware of the consequences, I resorted to consuming Tylenol and Advil in excessive quantities while also self-harming discreetly. I remained oblivious to the dangerous path I was treading. Even as my friends proceeded to enroll in universities, leaving me behind, the only person who

continued to stand by my side was the one pleading for me to stop.

After recognizing the sacrifices I had made, it motivated me to alter my path. In order to correct my previous errors, I decided to register for summer school, night school, and continuing education courses. Additionally, I chose to surround myself only with individuals who truly cared about me. Although I have a definite plan and direction for the future, it is important to remember that nothing is permanent. My objective is to keep discovering more about myself and making intelligent choices as I advance. It's worth noting that an identity cannot be bought or traded.

Understanding our identity involves both how we see ourselves and how others see us. It is important to know when to let go of certain aspects and preserve others, considering the impact of our choices on ourselves. Margaret Atwood's Cat's Eye portrays a protagonist who faces various obstacles in shaping her identity but eventually finding her desired sense of self. Similarly, as I grow older, my own personal identity will constantly change until I reach the destination I envision.