For the longest time, I was conflicted about who I was. I never really fit into one group. Only looking in from the outside.
I grew up in Abique, New Mexico, a small town about two hours north of Albuquerque, with the most beautiful sunsets you have ever seen. My mother and father got divorced maybe a year or two after I was born therefore my weekends would be spent with my father, while weekdays were spent with my mum. My parents only lived a mile or two down the road from each other, so the back and forth was easy.
When I was old enough, I just walked. Unfortunately both my parents spent nearly all their time working multiple jobs, therefore I was put in the caring hands of our neighbours, or once I was of age, home alone.
...I don't remember spending much time with either of them as a kid. We never took vacations; I don't think I left the state until my mum and I moved to Providence at age ten.
Providence was a whole new scene. Now I was old enough to go about my own business and explore. I loved it. There was always something going on somewhere, and most everything was within walking distance.
I spent some time on the east side with my wealthy friends living the lavish life. Cable television, swimming pools, and grassy backyards, they had it all. At the time this was all very foreign to me. I loved it; however, I felt out of place. Back home I made friends with two brothers who lived just down the street from me. One brother dedicated his time t
reading and collecting articles from thousands of magazines.
The other spent his afternoons working under the hoods of old Toyotas. The two of them were indeed polar opposites. The elder was outgoing, obnoxious, and always ready for an adventure. The youngest was very reserved, polite, preferred the comfort of his home. They were very different, yet both of them shared one characteristic; a burning desired to make something of themselves. I was inspired.
Who was I? A future mechanic, or the next James Bond? I had no idea what I wanted to be, but I did know through hard work and dedication, I could achieve whatever I did decide. Early on, my mum could see this dichotomy developing within my own personality.
Seemingly concerned, she would scold me for changing out her perfectly good tire for the spare in the back and then jumping out from under the car, calmly wielding my finger gun and demanding for her to release the hostages. My career ambitions would bounce between an engineer and an FBI agent. The two fields would push back and forth, the hours in each day spent unsettled until I decided to give the push to swing toward reason.
At age thirteen my father died. I grew even more lost and lonely. A winter came that has yet to pass. With no father, I needed to grow up quick. As I matured, the two ideas would fight for superiority. One was whipping down the empty, two-lane, desert road, in a slick matte black Monte Carlo. The other was sprinting through the back alleys of Florence, chasing a thief who had escaped the Uffizi with the Medusa in-hand.
The Clash
was blasting from speakers, literally shaking the floor as flipped through my new book of Caravaggio. My mother had introduced me to my friends Botticelli, Leonardo, and Caravaggio. Friends of my age had no interest in their work. 'They're dead, who cares.' I’d be their free pass to the gallery of Uffizi or even to this other world regardless of non-existant enthusiasm.
Then the baffled look I'd get when I mentioned the new cylinder head and transmission upgrades, integrated into the new dodge challenger release. A young John Francis Dodge, soon to design and revolutionise my own automobile empire. I struggled with the thought of my future. The conclusion drawn from these explanations was simple: these two scenes had no place amongst each other.
After years of self-reflection, I decided college would give me the stage to grow and find out who I want to be in this world. I could go to a fantastic school with some of the world’s best professors to push me outside my comfort zone and flourish. Whether I find myself under the belly of an 87' Buick Grand National or working on the next big case to hit my desk, I know at this very moment this is what I must do.
This is the next step for me. I need an avenue to continue to grow in both of my fields. I would not be limited to one half of my heart. These seemingly mutually exclusive interests may yet be somewhat dependent on one another.
