Just Another High School Play (Narrator) – Flashcards
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When one thinks of Western theatre, one thinks of the greats. Shakespeare, Beckett, Stoppard, Albee, and Kardashian. But to get to these classic and contemporary works, we have to wade through 5,000 years of history first. Wait! Don't head for the door quite yet! You will not need to memorize any dates. I'll try to focus on the gory stuff, and you probably won't actually learn anything. The sooner we rip off the proverbial Band-Aid of history, the sooner we can get into the good stuff we all know and love. We'll start in Egypt.
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A1: Start of Scene Two
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Theatre started in Egypt nearly 5,000 years ago. There were five major types of plays. Life after death...
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A1: (After Male and Female Thespian Enter For the First Time.)
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Plays about magical healing...
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A1: MALE THESPIAN: Wow, so this is where we go when we die. Looks a lot like a theatre in Kasson.
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And play's about the gods, the crowning of kings, and the pharaoh's thirtieth year on the throne because most people didn't live past their twenties. (Beat.) Wow...that would make me middle-aged...I'd be a fifteen-year-old with a midlife crisis. That's depressing to think about.
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A1: FEMALE THESPIAN: . . . Send a stone tablet with your name and adress to...
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(Stares angrily into the wings.) Moving on to Greece.
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A1: AD: (Offstage) Boring!
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Ahem, the country, not the musical.
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A1: (THESPIANS appear. Male wears a leather jacket and Female a poodle skirt.)
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No, you didn't.
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A1: FEMALE THESPIAN: We knew that.
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Fine. The Greeks developed the tragedy.
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A1: FEMALE THESPIAN: No, we didn't...but can we keep the costumes?
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The Greeks also created the first trilogies.
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A1: MALE THESPIAN: I am so transferring schools when this is done.
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Yes...why does that surprise you?
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A1: MALE THESPIAN: Seriously?
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Yes. The Greeks created Indiana Jones in 400 B.C.
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A1: MALE THESPIAN: Like the Greeks created Indiana Jones?
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Traveling storytellers would perform, from memory, the most famous epic poems of all time: "The Iliad" and "The Odyssey" written by Homer. (Beat.) Aren't you going to say anything about the author's funny name?
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A1: FEMALE THESPIAN: Idiot.
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"The Iliad" is all about the mighty Trojans and...
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A1: FEMALE THESPIAN: I mean, come on, we are professionals.
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As I was saying, there was a great battle over the most beautiful woman in the world.
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A1: MALE THESPIAN: Whoa, I don't think you ought to get into all that. I mean, we learned about "those" in health and some parents might be offended.
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Not until the Romans, but they're up next.
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A1: FEMALE THESPIAN: When do I get to kill him again? (1)
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These stories were full of adventure and strange creatures like the Cyclops.
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A1: FEMALE THESPIAN: Cool.
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The hundred-handed ones.
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A1: (MALE and FEMALE THESPIANS put a hand over each other's left eye and say "Argh" like a pirate.)
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And sorceresses who would turn people into pigs.
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A1: (MALE steps behind FEMALE and puts his arms under hers, making it look like she has four arms.)
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The Greeks were conquered by the Romans and they adopted their theatre. But they soon grew bored with the tragedy and built altars so they could include public executions.
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A1: (FEMALE takes out two apples, shoves one in her mouth and one in MALE THESPIAN'S mouth; they stare out at the audience and snort.)
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The Roman Empire eventually fell because they spread their armies too thin.
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A1: MALE THESPIAN: Why do I have to keep dying?
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Now would be fine.
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A1: FEMALE THESPIAN: When do I get to kill him again? (2)
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China was also pioneering drama as far back as 2000 B.C. It started as interpretive dance, ancestor worship, and military celebrations. Oh, and all female roles were played by men.
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A1: (FEMALE chases MALE with a knife.)
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Eventually modern theatre came to England.
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A1: MALE THESPIAN: (Offstage, yelling.) Great! I'm never going to live this down!
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But all female parts were still played by males.
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A1: MALE THESPIAN: (Starts taking off his poodle skirt.) At last...
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The Elizabethan period brought in the greatest writer of all time: William Shakespear. Meanwhile in Italy, Commedia Dell' Arte was taking off. These were short plays performed in the streets and included improvisation...
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A1: MALE THESPIAN: For the love of...what's wrong with these people?
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Mimes...
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A1: MALE THESPIAN: (Flapping his arms.) Look at me, I'm a hippo!
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And jugglers.
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A1: FEMALE THESPIAN: If a tree falls on a mime in the forest, does anyone care?
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(Glares over at HIM.) Now after this...
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A1: AD: (Whispering) Hey, Mom.
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He's messing everything up. We've got another four hundred years to go.
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A1: SM: Listen, guys, you did great.
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But...
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A1: SM: Alright, let's just move on.
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Fine! Come on, guys. (NARRATOR, MALE, AND FEMALE exit in a huff.)
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A1: SM: I'll talk to him. (NARRATOR stares at SM) I'll talk to him.
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And I am the narrator. I will fill in all the holes along with my trusty sidekick, our talented puppeteer.
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A2: ROMEO: And I am charming Romeo...I will also be playing Tybalt, Mercutio, Paris, and Friar Lawrence.
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Two households, both alike in dignity, In fair Verona, where we lay our scene, From ancient grudge break to new mutiny, Where civil blood makes civil hands unclean. From forth the fatal lions of these two foes --
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A2: (SLIDE or SIGN: "Willaim Shakespear's 'Romeo and Juliet.' A Puppet Show.)
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From forth the fatal loins of these two foes A pair of cross-eyed lovers take their life;
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A2: ROMEO: Loins. Fatal loins.
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Listen! Do you want to read the prologue?
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A2: ROMEO: Star-crossed, not cross-eyed.
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Well then, can it! From forth the fatal loins of these two foes a pair of star -crossed lovers take their life; Whose misadventure'd piteous overthrows Doth with their death bury their parent's strife. The fearful passage of their death mark'd love, And the continuance of their parent's rage, Which but their children's end naught could remove, Is now the 10-minute traffic of our screen; The which, if you with patient ears attend, What here shall miss, our puppets shall strive to mend.
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A2: ROMEO: No, no, I'm fine with my part.
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Ahem. (Quietly to PUPPETEER.) I can't read that, my mother is in the audience.
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A2: (SLIDE or SIGN: "Act I: A Pubic Street: Some Fighting and Other Stuff.")
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ACT 1. A public street: some fighting and other stuff. We find Romeo with his friend, Mercutio.
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A2: PUPPETEER: Oh! Sorry! (HE removes the slide and writes in an "l" so that it reads "public" instead of "pubic.")
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Across town two rivals meet. One, from the house of Montague, the other, a Capulet.
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A2: ROMEO: . . . No one can take the place of Rosaline, but if you insist.
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But soon the prince arrives to restore order.
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A2: (Theme from "Mortal Kombat" plays as the thumbs fight.)
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Meanwhile back at the Capulet house, Juliet is preparing for the evening's festivities.
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A2: JULIET: (As Prince) . . . Now if you'll excuse me, I have a hair appointment.
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Little did Juliet know that her parents had arranged for her to marry a rich, snobby, cheese-sniffing, wine-swirling creep named Paris.
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A2: JULIET: . . . I feel like such an old hag.
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That night the Capulets threw a rocking party and Romeo sneaks in with Mercutio.
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A2: ROMEO: (As Paris.) Au revoir, mon cherie. Au revoir!
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While Romeo has now forgotten about his former heartache, Rosaline, he finds himself in a new predicament. The woman he loves is the daughter of his worst enemy. But before he has time to think too deeply on the subject, Juliet's evil cousin Tybalt discovers that Romeo is a Montague.
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A2: ROMEO: . . . Yep. Looks that way. Now if you don't mind, I'm hosting the post party back at my cottage. Peace.
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Wait a minute, what is that?
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A2: (PUPPETEER brings in a puppet of Tigger.)
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That's not Tybalt! That's Tigger. How is Romeo supposed to be intimidated by a springy-tailed cartoon character?
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A2: PUPPETEER: Um...Tybalt?
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But didn't it seem a little odd that one of Winnie the Pooh's friends was in a Shakespeare play?
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A2: PUPPETEER: Look! You didn't give me much time and I don't really remember the play that well. You said Tybalt, I heard Tigger.
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No! Not really. Now he just looks constipated.
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A2: PUPPETEER: (Draws two angry eyebrows on Tigger with a black marker.) Is that better?
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But on his way home, Romeo feels himself drawn to fair Juliet's balcony.
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A2: (SIGN or SLIDE: "ACT II, The Balcony Scene."
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(Reading.) "Act II, Some Other Scene. Rabbi Laurence"...Rabbi?!
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A2: SLIDE or SIGN: "ACT II, Some Other Scene. Rabbi Laurence's Cell.")
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Oh, not this again.
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A2: PUPPETEER: I was giving the play a much needed multicultural flair.
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It was a Protestant society!
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A2: PUPPETEER: I'm sorry, but I don't believe the Jewish faith was given equal playing time in Shakespeare's Globe Theatre.
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(Begrudgingly.) Rabbi Laurence's Cell.
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A2: JULIET: This is taking forever; we'll make it work!
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Romeo and Juliet marry and plan to...and plan to...well, they don't really have a plan at this point, but they're in love! Let's be happy for them.
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A2: RABBI: Right...right. Well then, bring her to me and we will make an honest woman of her.
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Meanwhile Tybalt and Mercutio are sparring just for the heck of it, across town.
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A2: (PUPPETEER brings on Tybalt and Mercutio.)
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Later that night...
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A2: ROMEO: . . . Time to go enjoy our honeymoon!
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Sure! All right, warp speed Shakespeare! The next day, Romeo leaves to hide out in Mantua so that the Prince won't execute him and Juliet finds out...
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A2: SM: Listen. You got about 45 seconds. Think you can do it in that time?
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Juliet drinks the potion and falls into a deep slumber. Her parent's find her, think she is dead, and bury her in the family crypt next to the recently deceased Tybalt.
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A2: JULIET: (to RABBI.) Hooray.
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But first she sends a letter to Romeo explaining her fake death to him, but the UPS guy got stuck in the mud and Romeo never got the message.
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A2: JULIET: Ewww, creepy.
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Romeo rushes to the crypt and --
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A2: ROMEO: Bummer!
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(Talking even faster.) Runs to the crypt to find Paris whom he kills.
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A2: SM: 15 seconds.
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Then he drinks a poison and dies next to Juliet. Juliet awakens.
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A2: ROMEO: Sacre Bleu, I am dead!
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She takes a knife, stabs it into her chest, and dies...again. The parents make up a little too late and Romeo's mom dies too...just because. The end!
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A2: JULIET: (Yawning.) Yech, I need to brush my teeth. Romeo. No!!!!!
