Just Another High School Play: Assistant Director – Flashcards
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*Act 1 Scene 1* SM: ...Deeper. Get out here... now!
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Hello, everyone. I'm Jacob, the assistant director of this show and this is Alicia. The show's stage manager.
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SM: Hi again, we met earlier.
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And we want to thank everyone for coming out tonight to... to... What show is this?
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SM: What?! You mean you don't know?
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Well, I thought you knew.
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SM: You're the assistant director!
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You're the stage manager! Didn't you show up to rehearsal?
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SM: ...I had that thing and I had to...
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Oh right, that important date with that guy from Rock Valley with the hairy forehead.
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SM: ...And besides, where were you?
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Well, I.. uh... my grandmother died.
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SM: ... at least six dozen grandmothers!
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I come from a big family.
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SM: Ahem, as I was saying...
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(To audience) Okay! Who is it!?
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SM: Don't lose your temper.
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I wasn't going to say anything, but really, don't people realize that when you go to the theater you should have the common courtesy to take five seconds to... Oh, it's mine! Hello? Oh hi, Aunt Kay. Nope, nothing much. Just putting on a play.
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(Phone call line Pt. 2)
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No, of course, I can talk. Um, a tuna fish sandwich. Yeah, it was pretty good, but Mom left on the crust, which I don't like, and I am feeling a little bloated.
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(Phone call line pt. 3)
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Can you hang on for one second? Yeah... yeah... one sec. You can go on without me. I mean, you can wait if you want, but, whatever. I'm fine either way. I'm back, no really, I can talk. Yeah, so it had celery in it and I don't really like celery because sometimes it makes the texture all weird. I don't know, like crunchy and mushy just doesn't go together. But sometimes- (phone thrown) I'll just get it later.
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SM: We're in the middle of a show!
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I know, I am the assistant director. Geez.
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*Stagehand pops out*
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WHAT!
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Stagehand: ...It's a note from Mrs. Sandbulte.
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What does it say
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Stagehand: ...You'll need it. Sincerely, Muy Guapa.
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Very funny Mrs. Sandbulte. Come on out. Where are you
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SM: I don't think she is coming back.
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No... this has to be a joke.
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SM: It all makes sense now. I thought nothing of it at the time, but...
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but what!
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SM: ...trying to drive while doing the Macarena
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So she's finally done it... she's chasing her dreams. Godspeed Mrs. Sandbulte, wherever you are.
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SM: It'll just be one moment, our actors are a little nervous.
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Where are you... So... heck of a show, huh? Boy, are you guys in for a treat, wooo! Yep. What's that? Oh... nothing? Thought you said something about my jacket. It's polyester. I know nice, huh? My mom got it for me. We'll talk about it later.
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SM: What are you doing? Get over here. Now!
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And now... on with the show. We do have a show... right?
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SM: ...We'll call you when we're ready for you.
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They can't memorize a whole scene in just a few minutes.
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SM: ...A showcase of scenes.
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Boring
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SM: Fine, you run the show
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All right, everybody, you heard the stage manager. Get to work on those scripts. You sure we're not in over our heads?
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SM: We can do this, we don't need Mrs. Sandbulte
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Muy Guapa
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SM: Excuse me?
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She's now known as Muy Guapa
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SM: Whatever
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Maybe we should just call this whole thing off, refund their money-
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*Act 1 Scene 2 off stage* Narrator: ...That's depressing to think about.
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Boring!
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Male Actor: For the love of... what was wrong with these people?
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*Quietly enter while eating popcorn*
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Male Actor: Look at me, I'm a hippo!
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*Walk down stage, looking through the audience*
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Male Actor: Nah, you played it off like a pro.
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Hey, Mom.
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Narrator: Now after this...
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Mom. Hey, Mom! I think they like the jacket!
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Narrator: He's messing everything up. We've got another four hundred years to go.
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Geez! wake me when it's over!
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SM: Have you ever actually been to a live show?
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Don't be stupid. I... well... Then I... no. Okay, no. But I don't see what that has to do with anything.
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SM: ...Do you even know anything about the theater?
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Listen, I pretty much took this assistant director job because I like to boss people around, so I don't know what you're going off about, but I could really use a coffee. Two creams, no sugar. Thanks.
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SM: ...You are sitting in the fourth wall.
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(Long pause) You're not going to get me that coffee, are you?
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SM:The most basic thing you need to know is that you don't cross through this invisible wall.
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Invisible wall? What is this, Dungeons and Dragons? Do you also have an invincibility crystal and a healing orb?
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SM: ...and that the audience is looking in on our lives.
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Like the aliens do when I'm sleeping?
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SM: What?
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(Covering) What? Huh? What?
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SM: It's invisible but you need to pretend that it exists even though it doesn't exist.
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Ohhh, I get it. Like the lost city of Atlanta.
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SM: whatever, you're just not supposed to break it.
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Why not?
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SM: You just aren't
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You mean like this? (Arm)
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SM: Stop it!
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Or like this? (Leg)
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SM: Knock it off!
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Look! Look, I'm breaking the fourth wall with my butt. You stick your glabella in, you stick your glabella out, you do the hokey-pokey and you shake it all about.
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SM: Did your mother drop you as a child?
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Your glabella is just the space between your eyes but it's funny 'cause it sounds naughty.
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SM: I'm going to punch you in your glabella if you don't shut up!
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Are you ready to see the first play? I'm getting a little sleepy and I like to nap between acts. (Exit)
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SM: ...Somebody wake up the assistant director.
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Hey, buddy. I just had the wildest dream! It was production night and the director took off on us and we had to make up the entire play ourselves. Isn't that crazy? Aw, crap.
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*Act 1 Scene 3* SM: ..What does it take to become an assistant director?
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Well, it takes a lot of dedication and hard work. It takes a creative spirit and the ability to think outside the box.
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SM: Good answer. As far as stage managing is concerned-
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Uh... I'm sorry Alicia, but let's stick to the question.
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SM: ...This isn't quite what we had in mind... moving right along...
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Now let's wait a minute. The girl asked a thought provoking question, I think she deserves an answer.
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SM: Fine!
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As a matter of fact, I am single, and I'll go out on a date with you if you can guess my favorite word... Give up? (Hold up sign) My favorite word is "suit", because it brings "U" abd "I" together. (Wink)
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SM: ...It come from... Oh, come on now.
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What, who is it from?
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SM: The President of the United States of Cool.
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And what does this President of Cool ask?
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SM: Would the assistant director like to be my new vice president in charge of chicks?
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Well... as a matter of fact, I would.
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SM: Wait just a minute! These are all written in your handwriting!
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What?! No! That's... that's ridiculous.
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SM: Come on, Jacob. Where are the real question?
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Fine. Here you go. Miss luscious. Remember "U" and "I".
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SM: You made her up. She's a figment of your imagination.
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That's okay by me.
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Carrie: ...Let's say, choking on a light bulb. All right, Tom, come back on. Tom?
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*With Seth* Loving you... is easy 'cause.."
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*Act 1 Scene 5* Barkeep: I KNOW WHAT IT MEANS!
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And... cut! Excellent work, everybody. Great job.
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Barkeep: What are you doing?
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What you folks just saw was staged. The point we were trying to make is one that Mrs. Sandbulte made sure each and everyone of her students took to heart: Safety first! As you just saw, the stage is full of dangerous props and sets and it seems that an accident is always just around the corner.
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Barkeep: Um.. I think she's really bleeding.
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But if you always tell yourself safety first, those accidents can be avoided. (She falls, curtain closes) I hope you all learned a valuable lesson today. Sometimes an innocent-looking prop, like a rubber chicken, can be far more dangerous than a sword. So, remember, safety first. Say it with me. Safety First!
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William: Don't worry, everybody, the ambulance is on its way.
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That's right. Safety (hold up finger) First.
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*Act 1 Scene 6*
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All right. So what have you got there?
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SM: Oh no.
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What? (With SM) Melodrama! Nah. What else have you got?
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SM: Now wait a minute. Melodramas have been a staple of American high school drama since the dawn of time.
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1964?
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SM: Pretty much.
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"Love Tied to the Tracks," "My principal, the Zombie," "Deviant Deeds on Devil's Island," "Dirty work at the Crossroads."
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Grad Student: Oh, but you don't have to.
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Who are you?
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Grad Student: ..quirky static characters and change the set every now and then, and you can crank out play after play.
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But how could you write a thesis on that?
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Grad Student: I have a theory that you can cover all high school melodramas in no more than 90 seconds.
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Really?
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Grad Student: ...All right, does anyone have a phone?
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I do.
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Grad Student: ...and we'll begin
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...And... GO!
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Grad student: Curtain call.
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Time! (Read out time)
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*Act 1 Scene 7*
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Another classic high school play is also on of the most touching dramas of all time: Louisa May Alcott's "Little Women."
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*Girls enter with no costume*
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Ladies! What's going on? You're not even in costume.
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Amy: And what a degrading title.
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What are you talking about? "Little Women" is one of the exceptions in American theater. It has many strong female roles while the majority of contemporary plays, unfortunately, leave women with minor, one-dimensional parts.
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Meg: Don't try and act like you understand. If that were true, why is it called "Little Women"?
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What would you rather they called it, "Big Women"?
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Jo: Are you calling us fat?
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No, no, no.
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Beth: ...but the Music Man. Why didn't we get cast in that role?
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Because there are four of you and The Music Man only has one major male role!
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Amy: ..any longer with your brutish, testosterone-induced ways.
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But what about the Little Women skit?
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Meg: Oh, don't worry. We re-cast it. Come on out, boys.
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What's going on? You guys are in on this?
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Male Meg: No...
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Then what are you doing
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Male Beth: Dude, don't him.
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Tell me what?
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Male Amy: Well, it's true! They gave us Indian burns.
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Well, it's all over now.
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Amy: Oh, no, it's not!
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Ouch, ouch, ouch! I give! I give!
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Male Meg: ...even awkward silence is better than this play? *arguing ensues*
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Well, ladies and gentlemen, it looks like things have gotten a bit out of hand. Backstage!
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Beth: (Offstage) Oh, quit your moaning!
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We'll see you in just a few minutes.
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*Act 2 Scene 1*
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Hello? People are waiting. Let's get on with the funny.
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SM: I told you not to open the curtains for another three minutes.
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Let's get this show on the road. I've got places to go, people to see, movies to rent... and Caseys closes in like less than an hour.
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SM: We aren't ready!
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You want me to close the curtains again?
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SM: ...Something a little more... dignified!
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Well... I can play classical piano.
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SM: ...Chopin maybe.
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Where are you going?
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SM: And now, thew classical piano styling of Jacob. Enjoy!
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Well, I have to admit I am a bit rusty. But I think you'll be pleasantly surprised. Is anybody celebrating a birthday this month? Anybody at all? You there. Stand up! How old are you? 92? Wow! well... this one's for you. *Sing Happy Birthday* Thank you! Thank you! And now that I'm warmed up, it's time to play my signature piece. Wait, wait. I can do this. Nope, third time's a charm.
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SM: Let's hear it for the piano styling of Jacob!
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But I'm not finished.
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Announcer: I saw some of the actors were eating cookies.
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Yeah, we had a plate full in the green room. Dalton's mom made them. They had these little toffee chunks and-
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SM: Um... no. Of course not, we'll run up some cookies right away.
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There aren't any more.
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SM" Nothing! I'll tell you what, how about half a tuna sandwich?
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Hey, that's my dinner!
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Announcer: Okay.
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I am not giving him my chips, too.
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SM: Oh, yes you are.
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I am not. Owww! Owww! All right, he can have my stupid chips.
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*Act 2 Scene 3*
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Okay... that went... well.
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SM: I've got Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?
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We don't have the costume.
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SM: Which one?
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The wolf.
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SM: Okay... rent?
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Lint?
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SM: Moving on... Urinetown.
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I'm sorry, I can't I went before the show. Wait, hang on... nope. I can go drink some iced tea if you like.
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SM: No, no, no!
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Maybe we shouldn't do a contemporary play. We do have a lot of children in the audience.
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SM: ...Titus Andronicus before tucking me into bed.
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Wow... that explains a lot. What about Our Town?
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SM: Great! Only, we don't have the scripts.
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That's okay. If I remember right all we need are two ladders and a bit of characterization.
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SM: I've got an idea. Remember what we did during intermission?
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Yeah, but I really don't think the audience wants to see you waxing my pits.
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SM: Not that! We told that girl to do a little research and...
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Oh! Right!
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SM: ...You know, who the first settlers were, how our town got its name, that sort of thing.
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So now we'd like to take a little time to get to know our beloved town a little bit better in a segment that we're calling... *In unison* We'd like to take a little tine to get to know our beloved town a little bit better.
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*Act 2 Scene 5* SM: Well, that was more than a little inaccurate.
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I know. That guy looked nothing like the real Tom Jones.
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SM: Exactly.
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And I should know. I saw him once in Vegas.
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SM: Break a leg!
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All right, if you insist.
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SM: (Offstage) Argh! It's a figure of speech!
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(Offstage) Well, why didn't you say so?
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*Act 2 Scene 6* SM: Occupational hazard.
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I didn't know that "break a leg" was a figure of speech for good luck. I said I was sorry.
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SM: ...the audience will still know what play we're doing and we can't get sued!
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Plus it might make something like The Music Man more entertaining.
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Teena: Hey! No real titles, remember.
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I mean... The Kazakhstan.
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SM:Maybe we should leave this up to the actors.
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Break a leg!
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*Act 2 Scene 7*
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Now I've been saving something very special for the end of the show.
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SM: Oh, really?
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As you may or may not know, I am a student of mime.
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SM: You what?
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I can't take the guilt any longer. I have to confess. I locked Mrs. Sandbulte in the trunk of my car.
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Drama Teacher: You aren't confessing to anything... I just told them that.
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Oh... right.
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SM: Why did you do it?
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Because I wanted more artistic control. Sandbulte is always trying to make people laugh. I want to make people think, I want to make people cry.
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SM: Wow. I never knew. What did you... have in mind?
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I call it "Silence is the Key to the Soul." Four and a half hours of nothing but mimes pretending to be stuck in a loveless relationship. Please, let me out. I need love, not a marriage built around convenience and routine, but love.
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Drama Teacher: Take him away, boys.
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You haven't seen the last of me, Sandbulte. We shall meet again. Hahahaha!
