Just Another High School Play – Flashcards
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Scene 2: History of Theatre
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5,000 Years of 5 Minutes
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(MALE THESPIAN and FEMALE THESPIAN enter and stand in stereotypical Egyptian form with arms pointed in opposite directions) MALE THESPIAN: (to female thespian). Hey, what are you doing with that knife?
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(She stabs him, he dies, and a moment later stands up)
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MALE THESPIAN: WOw, so this is where we go when we die. Looks a lot like a theatre in FLorida NARRATOR: Plays about magical healing
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FEMALE THESPIAN: That's right, if oyu order now the Pharoah Pharmacy Channel will send not one bu two casks of Happy Osiris' Healing Balm made from on-hundred percent Egyptian droppings. Just a daab of this under the tongue will make you forget whatever it was that was ailing you. Side effects include halitosis and hepatitis (start walking off stage right). Send a stone tablet with you name and address to...
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NARRATOR: (monologue) AD: Boring! NARRATOR: (stares angrily into the wings). Moving on to Greece (Thespians appear in leather jacket and poodle skirt) NARRATOR: Ahem, the country, not the musical MALE: Uh... right
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FEMALE: We knew that
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NARRATOR: No, you didn't
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FEMALE: No, we didn't... but can we keep the costumes?
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NARRATOR: Fine. The Greeks developed the tragedy MALE: A tragedt is when just about everything that can go wrong, does go wrong
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FEMALE: Oh, like the time you sent that really desperate and creepy Valentine to Laura McNally?
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MALE: Shut up
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FEMALE: And it was like "Roses are red, violets are blue, if you won't be mine, I'll cry myself to sleep."
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MALE: I said, shut up
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FEMALE: And then it turns out that Laura's mom works for the local news station and she read it on the air
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MALE: I know all of this! I was there!
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FEMALE: and then you tried to be all suave and stop by her house to talk it out, but no one answered the door, so you thought she was playing hard to get and you walked in on her dad doing yoga in the nude.
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MALE: Enough!
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FEMALE: Sorry... yeah... as I was saying, that would be an example of a tragedy
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NARRATOR: Yes. The Greeks created Indiana Jones in 400 BC MALE: Cool!
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FEMALE: Idiot.
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NARRATOR: Traveling storytellers would perform, from memory, the most famous epic poems of that time: "The Iliad and the Odyssey" written by Homer. Aren't you going to say anything about the author's funny name? MALE: No too easy
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FEMALE: I mean come on we are professionals
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...NARRATOR: As I was saying, there was a great battle over the most beautiful woman in the world
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FEMALE: "I am Helen, the face that launched a thousand ships."
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MALE: Seriously, this was the hottest girl we had backstage?" I mean, no offense, but we do want to make this believable.
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FEMALE: When do I get to kill him again?
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NARRATOR: Not until the Romans, but they're up next.
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FEMALE: Cool
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NARRATOR: These stories were full of adventure and strange creatures like the Cyclops
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(MALE and FEMALE THESPIANS put a hand over each other's left eye and say "Argh" like a pirate)
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NARRATOR: The hundred-handed ones
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(MALE steps behind FEMALE and puts his arms under hers, making it look like she has four arms)
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NARRATOR: and sorceresses who would turn people into pigs
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(FEMALE takes out two apples, shoves one in her mouth and one in MALE THESPIAN'S mouth; they stare out at the audience and snort)
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NARRATOR: The Greeks were conquered by the Romans...
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(As she says this the THESPIANS slip on togas. Female's is a white sheet, Male's has cartoon characters on it)
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NARRATOR: ...and they adopted their theatre. But they soon grew bored with the tragedy and built altars so they could include public executions
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(FEMALE stabs MALE... again)
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...MALE: Hey, are they called "Roamins" because they moved around so much?
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FEMALE: When do I get to kill him again?
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NARRATOR: Now would be fine
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(FEMALE THESPIAN chases MALE offstage with a knife)
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...MALE: Name an animal
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FEMALE: Hippo!
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...MALE: Hey, if a tree falls on a mime in the forest does it make a sound?
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FEMALE: If a tree falls on a mime in the forest, does anyone care?
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NARRATOR: And jugglers
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(FEMALE pulls out toy chickens and throws them int he air, then covers her head as they all come crashing down) FEMALE: I forgot, I can't juggle. Do you think they noticed?
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...AD: (Sitting on the edge of the stage. Geez! Wake me when it's over
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FEMALE: Hey!
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Scene 6:
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Melodramas in 90 Seconds
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GRAD STUDENT: Sure! I can prove it to you. Do you have a couple of actors backstage that I can borrow? (SM exits and re-enters with EXTRA, MALE LEAD, and FEMALE LEAD) GRAD STUDENT: Or on an island
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EXTRA: (Hula dancing) Aloha
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GRAD STUDENT: Enter, in disguise, the long-lost uncle, aunt, cousin, twin sister, brother, or other relative
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EXTRA: I will swoop in at the end of this play to either fix everything in a miraculous deux ex machina or spin everything into further unresolved chaos leaving the audience frustrated as they drive home.
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GRAD STUDENT: Enter cranky old woman
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EXTRA: Back in my day we didn't have narrators
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GRAD STUDENT: Enter the stereotypical nerd
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EXTRA: The formula of boy plus girl always equals a negative
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GRAD STUDENT: Enter the ditz
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EXTRA: (Putting a pair of sunglasses on her head). Like has anyone seen my sunglasses! I swear, they were, like, here just a minute ago
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GRAD STUDENT: Play starts to wind down, but not without a farfetched twist
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EXTRA: Hold it you two! I'm you long lost mother and you can't love each other
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MALE: Why not?
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EXTRA: Because you are brother and sister
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FEMALE AND MALE: Gasp! GRAD STUDENT: Curtain call
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(MALE, FEMALE, and EXTRA bow)
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Scene 7:
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Little Men and Surrealism
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BETH: Making us put on dresses, waiting around for men to find our characters worth enough to marry
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AMY: and what a degrading title
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AD: Because there are four of you and "The Music Man" only has one major male rle!
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AMY: Just another on of your controlling lies. We aren't going to allow you to rule this theatre any longer with your brutish ways
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AD: Well, it's all over now
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AMY: Oh not, it's not! (She grabs AD's arm andn starts giving him and Indian burn).
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MALE MEG: Banana of truth? Are you even familiar with surrealism?
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AMY: What's to know? We've got a box of props, we read some Beckett and Stoppard, we're good to go
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JO: Where are we?
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AMY: We are no where and everywhere. Somewhere and here.
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JO: I understand (throws coin). Tails.
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(They shuffle back).
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(Male Beth enters wearing a monkey mask and making money noises as he frolics across the stage, steals the "banana of truth" from MALE MEG, and exits). MALE MEG: Well, I'm getting off of this train wreck
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AMY: There goes the banana of truth
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MALE JO: Woof woof! Meow meow!
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AMY: All that the world has to offer us trapped in the communication of our hands
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MALE AMY: (ENters blowing bubbles and saying) The man in the moon has no mother.. the man in the moon has no mother (He exits)
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AMY: and the journey continues
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MALE BETH: All right, how much longer do we need to stink up this stage with this steaming pile?
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AMY: You're breaking character!
