Free Falling- by Scott Weckerly Essay Example

to do so, in fact, all of my personal problems had seemed to fade. I didn't care; I was leaving. I wanted to make it clear to everyone that I wanted to go—and by God, I was ready. Then the day came, and I wondered if I was honestly ready to go. My dad and stepmom were taking me to school, but first I had to say good-bye to my mom. No one ever said divorce was easy.

I met Mom for brunch that morning, and she immediately began talking of my future experiences. More so, she talked a little of her first year away from home—cluttered dorm, shy roommate, some art history classes— and she spoke with such detail and enthusiasm that I clearly saw what a lasting impression college makes. We talked then of my expectations—what the guys on my floor would be like, how I hoped my classes would not be on opposite sides of campus, whether I'd gain weight on cafeteria food. She paused for a second, and then quipped, "The food won't make you gain weight; the beer will. I smiled. I felt relieved that Mom was in a cheerful mood, rather than a maudlin one. Ironically, the sky was filled with sunshine and bright, silky clouds. Somehow, I'd expected it to be gray and overcast. As we talked, I realized I would soon begin the long, complicated road to independence. The security I had selfishly taken for granted at home would eventually diminish into memory. Home would no longer be home, but Carbondale, Illinois. When the waitress brought our bill, Mom's mood shifted noticeably. She became quiet, even somber.

I suppose

for her that somehow signalled the conclusion of our last meal together, at least the last one for quite some time. She looked down at the table pensively. Looking back now, I can see the significance that day probably had for my mother. As a parent, she must have been anticipating that day ever since November 30, 1971, and it surely challenged her emotionally. She walked me to my car, and I could feel my sadness in the pit of my stomach. The summer breeze dried my eyes, and I blinked profusely to moisten them. "Well, I guess I have to go," I mumbled, looking into the distance.

I could not believe I did not have the courage to say that directly into her eyes. "I know," she replied with a faint smile and then quipped, "It's not too late to change your mind. " She was joking, but there seemed to be some seriousness in her voice. Her smile quickly faded when I said I couldn't. "I'm going to miss you," she added. "You make it sound as if you're never going to see me again. " "You could call . . . collect, of course. " I laughed. The implication that all money spent from then on would be my own was scary, yet funny as well. "Don't worry about me too much, Mom. "I'll miss you. " She drew me close and gave me a hug, and I assured her I'd be back sooner than she'd realize. She then told me that she loved me. "I . . . love you, too. " The difficulty of saying those words overwhelmed me. I had

always seen myself as someone with solid, untouchable emotions. At that moment, though, I was in a fragile, quivering state; and I could not believe I had conjured such a false image of myself. We drew apart, and I slowly climbed into my gray Maxima. She did not cry, but who knows what happened when I turned the corner.

I don't think I want to know. At that time, I felt like a rookie sky diver preparing for his first plunge. The cabin door opens to reveal the extreme distance of his fall, which leads to either sheer excitement or eventual death. The naivete that sheltered his fear disappears at the sudden reality of the moment. By then, of course, it is much too late to turn back. The very thought that this was his idea seems absurd to him, and he feels like the only person on the face of the planet. And so he closes his eyes, takes a deep breath, and jumps.