Accepting Death Essay Example

born; many may not have lived to see their fifth birthdays.

Likewise, until the twentieth century, women frequently died in childbirth, sometimes as many as one woman in three. Accidents, famine, diseases, and the generally difficult conditions of life meant life expectancy was short; many men and women were likely to die by the they were forty or fifty, an early death, by our standards. In these cultures, sick and dying people were cared for by their families, children grew up in a world that included both healthy people and sick ones, both people in the prime of life and people who were dying.

Today many cultures still operate under some and all of these conditions. Although people in these cultures mourn their losses too, they are not shocked by the fact of death. From a very early age, children are likely to witness the deaths of people they know. “Children in rural cultures also are likely to witness the killing of farm animals or the hunting of wild animals for food or clothing, seeing for themselves that death is constantly present in the midst of life, that death is sometimes necessary to preserve life” (5-6).

In most traditional cultures, death is a much more visible and constant presence in people’s lives. Consequently, these cultures tend to elaborate rituals dealing with death. In these cultures, children and adults alike become, if not accepting of death, at least familiar with it. It may always be a shock when a loved one gets sick or dies, but it is kind of a familiar shock, something to be expected as much as growing up, getting married or having children. Customs of

dealing with death vary from culture to culture.

In one society, people might wear black to show grief at death. In another culture, white might be the color of mourning. Some societies observed other restrictions, such as no dancing for a year or not leaving the house for a week. People might have rules about when they could marry again, or when they could invite guests over (20-21). All of these rules were designed to help people make it through the difficult period after the death of a loved one, acknowledging that this is a special time during in which it is hard for people to adjust to life without that person.

The disadvantage of these rituals was that they insisted that everyone respond the same way. On the other hand, that advantage of the rituals was that they acknowledged the importance of grief and mourning, taking some of the burden off individual mourners by giving them clear guidelines about when it was all right to stop mourning. In our own society, on the other hand, economic, social, and medical advantages have made death at an early age much less common.

Death in American culture has become a kind of unspeakable subject, something that many people find difficult to talk about. The circumstantial causes of death do not provide us with the inner-meaning of death” (Yancy). In our individualistic culture, people have to figure many more things out for themselves. This may be a good thing, allowing for more choice and more freedom, but it also can be difficult, creating loneliness and uncertainty. Children and teenagers dealing with the deaths and illnesses of people they care about may

not know anyone else who has died, making the experience even more strange and difficult that it would be anyway.

Worse, they may live in communities where the adults are not familiar with death either, making it difficult for anyone to understand what a child or teenager might be going through when he or she confronts the death or illness of the parent, friend, relative, or acquaintance. “The fact is that that all our lives are fragile: Someday we will die, and before we die, we are likely to the deaths of others whom we love” (DiGiulio, Kranz 24-25). Many aspects of American culture may seek to deny this fact, but it is true all the same.

To explain death to a young child is hard in many ways. They may not comprehend what death is and might not realize that the person or thing they love is not coming back. Almost every child deals with death at one point or another. It might be a hamster, rabbit, dog, even a loved relative or friend that died. Our culture’s fears and anxieties about death affect the way we deal with children when someone they love has died, but children also bring their own abilities and limitations to the problem of death. One of the difficult aspects of death for children is while they are aware of the loss of a loved one; they may not have the intellectual ability to understand what death means” (10-11). Most children cannot really understand death the way adults understand it until they are teenagers. Yet regardless of their intellectual ability to grasp the meaning of death, children of all ages are

deeply affected by the loss of a loved one. Until they become teenagers, and sometimes even then, children’s main sense of themselves comes from their parents.

It is through their parents’ responses that they understand both who they are and how good they are (McEntire). Along with coping with the loss of a beloved person, a child will want to understand what has happened to him or her and want some reassurance that it will not happen again. This understanding varies, depending on the age of the child. Children’s ability to understand changes as they grow older, until 13 or so, when they are intellectually able to understand death as well as an adult. Very young children have no idea of death whatsoever.

However, they do understand that their parents and people around them are upset. Infants and toddlers can sense when there is excitement, sadness, anxiety in the home; they can sense when a significant person is missing and the presence of new people. All they know is that someone they love is not there anymore. Children ages three through five are aware that something bad has happened, but they do not understand death itself. They think death is reversible, temporary, like going to sleep or when a parent goes to work. The child may also believe that people who die will come back.

During the ages six to eight the child begins to understand the finality of death. Children of this age may experience many the problems younger children have when they face a death. They may also have a hard time grasping the permanence of death, and feel guilty over their “imaginary responsibility” for the

event. At the ages of nine to thirteen the child's understanding is nearer to adult understanding of death; more aware of finality of death and impact the death has on them. Facing a death may be especially hard for children of this age because they are in fact old enough to be relied upon.

The challenge for children of this age is to find a way to accept their powerlessness in the face of death while realizing that they may be powerful and effective in many other areas (DiGiulio, Kranz 7-20). Parents and other adults may want to sugar coat the truth about death because they do not want to hurt children any more than they have to, but even though the truth can be hard to deal with, it is even harder to handle half-truths or white lies. Death is permanent. Sometimes adults try to spare the feelings of children by telling them that someone who has died has just “gone away,” or “gone to sleep.

They mean well; after all, they’re just trying to take away some of the sadness. This type of explanation can confuse children and make them angry when they learn the truth, and the truth is this: “Death is not temporary. It’s forever” (“PBS Kids”). Each year thousands of teenagers experience the death of someone they love. When a parent, sibling, friend or relative dies, teens feel the overwhelming loss of someone who helped shape their fragile self-identities and these feelings about the death become a part of their lives forever.

People, such as caring adults, whether parents, teachers, counselors or friends, can help teens during this time. If adults are open,

honest and loving, experiencing the loss of someone loved can be a chance for young people to learn about both the joy and pain that comes from caring deeply for others. Sad to say, many adults who lack understanding of their experience discourage teens from sharing their grief. Deprived teens give out all kinds of signs that they are struggling with complex feelings, yet are often pressured to act as they are doing better than they really are.

When a parent dies, many teens are told to “be strong” and “carry on” for the surviving parent. They may not know if they will survive themselves let alone be able to support someone else. Obviously, these kinds of conflicts hinder the “work of mourning” (“Kids Health”). The grief that teens experience often comes suddenly and unexpectedly. A parent may die of a sudden heart attack, a brother or sister may be killed in an auto accident, or a friend may commit suicide. The very nature of these deaths often results in a prolonged and heightened sense of unreality.

Many people assume that adolescents have supportive friends and family who will be continually available to them. In reality, this may not be true at all. The lack of available support often relates to the social expectations placed on the teen. How adults respond when someone loved dies has a major effect on the way teens react to the death. Sometimes adults do not want to talk about the death, assuming that by doing so, young people will be spared some of the pain and sadness. “However, the reality is very simple: teens grieve anyway” (Gootman 92).

Teens often need caring

adults to confirm that it is all right to be sad and to feel a multitude of emotions when someone they love dies. They also usually need help understanding that the hurt they feel now won’t last forever. When ignored, teens may suffer more from feeling isolated than from the actual death itself. Worse yet, they feel all alone in their grief. The death of someone loved is a shattering experience for an adolescent. “As a result of this death, the teen’s life is under reconstruction” (Dower 23). Consider the significance of the loss and be gentle and compassionate in all of your helping efforts.

Grief is complex. It will vary from teen to teen (7-8). Caring adults need to communicate to children that this feeling is not one to be ashamed of or hide. Instead, grief is a natural expression of love for the person who died. With love and understanding, adults can support teens through this vulnerable time and help make the experience a valuable part of a teen’s personal growth and development. People cope with the loss of a loved one in many ways. For some, the experience may lead to personal growth. There is no right way of coping with death.

Human beings tend to make strong bonds of affection or attachment with others. When these bonds are broken, as in death, a strong emotional reaction occurs. The way a person grieves depends on the personality of that person and the relationship with the person who has died. Enduring the death of any loved one is painful and difficult, but the types of relationships involve different types of love and raise different issues

in the event of death (DiGiulio, Kranz). People who have been through the death of someone very close say that the memories, the love, and the pain are with them forever.

Moving through grief has taught them to find a place for their pain along with their love (110). The death of a parent is probably the most serious loss that child or teenager can face. Not only must the survivor endure the loss of a most beloved person, he or she also must face all the practical problems that follow. A teenager who loses a parent may feel that he or she can’t talk about the loss with the parent who remains. The remaining parent may be too grief stricken to cope well, or the teenager may feel that the remaining parent is too fragile to share painful feelings with (101-03).

Teenagers who have lost one parent may feel that they have to be extra careful to hang on to the one who remains. Many teenagers’ and children’s first experiences with death come when they lose a grandparent. In some cases, the relationship with the grandparent was quite close. Then the death represents a real loss. The grandparent may have been someone who comforted the teenager, someone who was there just to talk to and hang out when the parents were busy working or taking care of the house, someone who took the grandchild on special adventures or brought special presents (106-07).

The grandparent may also have been somebody who took the grandchild’s side against the parents once in a while, so losing the grandparent feels like losing a special ally. One of the hardest parts of

losing a friend is how invisible the relationship may seem to others and how there seems to be no place for a teenager’s grief. Sometimes losing a friend is even more painful than losing a family member, and yet often there is no social space to mourn this loss.

A friend may not be welcome at the funeral, or it just might not occur to either the family of the person who died or the survivor’s family to take the time to acknowledge the friendship and its importance (108-09). Americans do not like to talk directly about death. In America, people don't die; they “pass away,” “expire” or “kick the bucket. ” Dead people are “the departed” or “loved ones. ” They are “laid to rest” rather than buried. People about to die are “terminally ill. ” Perhaps Americans have trouble talking about death because it is often so remote. People no longer die at home, but in nursing homes or hospitals.

Insulated from disease by medical science and from the horrors of war by two great oceans, Americans have made death what sex once was, a subject only alluded to. Getting clear about what we do and do not have control over is one of the things that death makes us deal with. Accepting that we can not prevent the death of another is of the most painful parts of grief, but another painful part is realizing that it is the very closeness of our relationship that brought us pain. You are focused on what is important. Therefore, you not only survive; you are much more alive.