The Difficulty Essay
Two more weeks, that’s all I have to wait now. Results are coming back, and on the same day will be mine and Ians one-year anniversary. I love him so much. Were both going to college, so well be close next year.
Since me therapy hes the only lad Ive been with. Weve been friends since year three. I remember the day we met; he was standing by the swings waiting for someone to let him have a go- he looked like a lost puppy. In the end I let him have my place, since then weve been inseparable.
Weve only been intimate once, but I didnt lose my virginity to him. My innocence was stolen from me at the age of eight by the only man I trusted. My father. But I dont have to worry about him now, he cant hurt me anymore. Ian was the one who got me to tell the police, after I told him what had happened to me he convinced me to tell the authorities. It was so hard to pluck up the courage to take the first step. When I told the officer, he didnt believe me at first. But when he sent me to another one, this one was a lady and she did believe me. She took down a statement from me, which I had to sign. Id never signed anything in my life. I was so scared. But Ian was by my side and he helped me through.
I was twelve when I had to stand up and testify against my dad. Do you know what thats like? To stare into both your parents eyes and see how much they hate you. To see your picture in the newspaper with your story attached to it. People talking when you pass them in the street. No, you wouldnt know what thats like. Not unless youve been there yourself.
After the trial my mother was never the same with me. She always seemed distant; sometimes it felt like she didnt love me. I was too young to deal with this, I suppose I had to grow up too soon. I built barriers so no one could get close to me. Except Ian. He was always by my side, and always will be.
For two years I had to go to therapy, at the time I thought it was pointless, but now I see it helped a lot. I was able to tear those barriers down and let people in. When I first started dating Ian it felt strange because wed been friends for so long, but it also felt right. I knew it was going to last, right from the start.
Only two days left. The plan was to pick up our exam results from our local civic centre and at night were going to go out for a romantic meal. In the future, I want to marry Ian. It would be like a fairytale life.
Oh lord, Im so nervous. Today is the day. All those weeks of waiting and worrying will be finally over with just one rip of an envelope. My nails will have a chance to grow back. On the way there Ian seemed distant, probably through nerves. All of our friend would be going through this too, but everyone was too worried to worry about others.
When we finally got there we saw groups of people opening their results in union. Most of the faces were happy, but a small minority of people were crying and shouting. For some reason I fixated on those people more than the smiling ones. Ian and I went over to the desk and collected our results. On the count of three we opened them. One. Two. Three. We both ripped open the envelopes in our hands and I suddenly felt queasy. I went into a sudden state of panic. I looked at, and looked at it for what seemed like an hour. My brain wasnt functioning on the higher levels.
Those few minutes turned into a lifetime. I knew I wasnt expecting brilliant grades, but grades this bad… never in a million years. My whole life slipped away in that instant. With these grades I couldnt go to college, my future seemed non-existent.
I didnt know what to do. I started crying. Ian tried to comfort me, but I wouldnt let him touch me. All eyes in the room turned to us. I felt like the twelve-year-old girl again, the girl everyone was talking about. I couldnt deal with it, so I left. Well, I ran.
In my bedroom, I dove under my covers and cried myself to sleep. Waking up dazed and confused is not something someone should not experience regularly, believe me. Many times Ive woken up confused and if I did that everyday it wouldnt take me long to drive myself crazy.
I looked around my room to make sure I was certain where I was, I noticed there was a letter on my dresser. I got up and walked over to it and opened it. As I read the letter tears were streaming down my face. All the emotions of the day caught up with me. The letter was from Ian, I could tell straight away from the writing. It read as follows:
Over the past few days Ive become tired of you and your constant whining. I dont think theres much of a future for us. You know this, and I know this. I cant help the way I feel, youve become too distant and I cant communicate with you anymore. I feel lonely when Im with you, and I shouldnt. Everyday you become harder to reach. And thats not my doing. Kerry, whatever youve been through, I wish youd get over it. Its been years, I thought you would have been over it by now. For your sake, please get over it. No goodbyes. Well still see each other, we just need a break. No matter what happens, youll always be my baby girl.
I stood frozen. Not knowing how to react, I just stood there. Not moving. Not making a sound. I looked at my reflection in the mirror and I looked half-dead, my image was so haunting that it scared me. I had nothing to show for my sixteen years of life.
My father raped me at the age of eight and hes now in prison because of me. My mother hates me, and thats my fault. On top of that Id driven my one true love away from me and a promising career was looking bleak. I had no future, and its all because of me.
I turned on the stereo and love songs began blaring. Opening a drawer, I reached in and grabbed a pair of scissors and then sat on my bed.
Looking at the scissors, then looking at my wrist was all I could do for about a minute. Outside my window darkness was coming to a peak. It seemed so early to be dark.
With a lonely tear in my eye I took the blade of the scissors and ran it along my wrist. Suddenly blood began to well up. I felt nothing. So the Manic Street Preachers were right, suicide is painless.
In that second I could fell my heart slow down, I could feel my body dying. I began thinking about my life and all I could think of was Ian. I couldnt cry anymore. I fell. All I could do was lay there and listen to my stereo. After a while, I couldnt do anything and I heard this, Why does my heart go on beating? Why do these eyes of mine cry? Dont they know Its the end of the world, It ended when you said goodbye. I didnt know if it was on the stereo or in my head, but all I knew was that it was right.
A white light filled my head and I was left lying there with no one to help me, no one who cared. It doesnt matter if I cry, It doesnt matter if I bleed. No one could save me, all I knew was that I was alone. I didnt know if I was dead and remembering or alive and dreaming.